Chapter 1

1989. When Harry Met Sally was a sensationally successful movie. Starring Meg Ryan as Sally and Billy Crystal as Harry, it told the story of how two people meet, don’t fall in love, yet eventually come to realise that they are ‘The One’ for each other. It’s most memorable and hilarious scene was probably Sally faking an orgasm, sitting at a table in a diner. And even now, after all these years, I still crack up at that comment from the older woman sitting nearby: “I’ll take what she’s having.” I also remember the film for a very short scene where their mutual friend Marie (played by Carrie Fisher) is sitting up in bed with her husband, Jess, talking about ‘being single’. She says: “Tell me I’ll never have to be out there again.” Jess looks into her eyes and says: “You’ll never have to be out there again.” Just about everyone in a really happy and successful relationship ‘gets’ what they are saying.

Being single can be fantastic. For some, but not everyone. It can be fun and exciting. There’s the independence and the choices: bars, parties, clubs, drink, drugs, hot dates and even hotter, steamy sex. You’re free to do what, and who, you please. Getting drunk. Getting laid. Maybe wishing you hadn’t. And promising yourself that it won’t happen so easily the next time. And all those other things you don’t tell your parents. Whatever you want is certainly out there somewhere. And there are a helluva lot of people you can do it with.

‘The Moment’

Then one day, most normal men and women, wake up feeling as if they’re ‘velcroed to the mattress’, utterly exhausted from whatever they got up to the previous night. They experience ‘The Moment’. It’s that glimmer of a realisation that the constant partying isn’t quite as much fun as it used to be. And that, perhaps – just perhaps, it might be time to find someone special to be with, long term. If you’ve had ‘The Moment’, you’ll know exactly what I mean.

As we saw in the movie, Sally was brilliant at ‘faking it’. This book isn’t about faking anything. It’s about being honest with yourself and respectful of others. It’s about being The One, being special and ready for the time when you meet that person (if you haven’t done so already). Or perhaps, like Harry and Sally you have, but don’t realise it yet.

How to Be LOVED is about what you can do – ethically – to increase the chances that The One you choose is The One who also chooses you, for the long term, and all in an honest, kind and loving way.

The ‘Next’ Generation

Thanks to the internet, being single has opened up mindboggling opportunities to meet so many other single people. In one way, it is intoxicatingly exciting. It’s just like being given the keys to the largest sweet shop in the world. But in another way, it can be utterly overwhelming – even frightening. Far too much choice leads to a level of disposability that is difficult to manage. Meet someone who isn’t ‘perfect’? A replacement is only a few clicks away.

The trouble with being part of the ‘Next Generation’ is how many times you say, or hear, the word ‘Next’! So if you’re thinking: “Surely, The One will take me just as they find me, warts and all”. . . maybe. But what if the situation were reversed? Would you be that interested in someone who made no effort to meet your standards? And if you did, wouldn’t you be likely to take a little peek around to see if someone ‘better’ was available? Why do you think they wouldn’t do the same? It’s human nature.

I interviewed one particular young woman for this book. She said: “But why should I be the one to change? If he loved me, he’d take me as I am.” In reality, when there are this many available people to choose from, the highest calibre people can afford to be extremely selective. They can ‘try before they buy’ as often as they like. And anyone who fails to meet those standards in any way, is gone. It’s as simple as that. My answer to that young woman was: “You don’t have to change at all. Although if you want to attract (and keep) the best, you might decide that ‘becoming the best you can be’ is at least worth considering.” Doesn’t it therefore make sense to think about what you most want in a long-term partner and make damn sure you have the same qualities you regard as so essential in others?

You can be pretty sure they will keep searching until they find someone with the qualities they regard as essential. When it really comes down to it, it’s not just about the clothes they wear, how well they keep in shape or the car they drive. It’s about the person they are inside. And it is what is inside of you that they will be looking for… and assessing and, yes, even judging. And they may not judge it very favourably if you expect them to love you unconditionally, without making any effort to appeal to them.

You want someone kind, perhaps. How prepared are you to be at least as kind? It’s the same with every other quality you would want in a future partner or spouse. Those in good relationships devote themselves to bringing out the best in each other, in equal measure. This is fundamental to the success of any long-term relationship. If one person does all the giving, while the other does the ‘taking’, it’s only a matter of time before that relationship will become strained or broken. Someone will become the ‘ex’ in ‘n-ex-t’.